Key ideas
Abstract
- Listen to the person’s account, ask about its meaning and invite correction when you reflect it back.
- Curiosity and attention help; prescribed eye contact or confident guesses about hidden feelings can interfere.
Active listening is fully engaging with a speaker through curious questioning, emotional recognition, and focused attention to understand both words and underlying meaning being communicated.
Connected to
Validation | Emotions | Communication | Rapport | Relationships and Regulation
Listening with intent
Curiosity
Curiosity begins with allowing the person to describe their experience. Clothing, past conversations and familiar categories can create assumptions that need checking. “What do you do in your spare time?” can open a different conversation from “What is your job?” Neither question guarantees interest or entitles the listener to a personal answer.
Digging deeper means asking exploratory questions that build on what the speaker has said. When someone uses a specific phrase, asking “What did you mean by that?” or “Why exactly do you think that?” invites explanation rather than assumption. Questions like “What was your thinking behind that approach?”, “How did you get to that point?”, or “Was that something you always wanted to do?” help uncover the reasoning and experiences that shaped their views. When they mention experiences, asking about those rather than jumping to your own stories maintains the focus on understanding their perspective.
Avoiding judgement
Suspending judgement creates space for understanding and connection. Judgement blocks listening by closing your mind to the speaker’s perspective, which shuts down exploration of their reasoning and shifts attention from understanding to evaluation.
A non-judgemental approach separates understanding from agreement and recognises that multiple valid perspectives exist. Focusing on their reasoning with questions like “What led you to that conclusion?” maintains curiosity about their thought process. Acknowledging their feelings without endorsing their actions allows emotional connection without moral compromise. Staying curious about why they think or feel differently keeps the conversation open.
Non-judgement does not mean abandoning your own values, agreeing with everything said, ignoring harmful behaviours, or avoiding difficult conversations later. The goal is to first understand their world fully, then (if appropriate) share your perspective after they feel genuinely heard.
Managing mental attention
Listening can lose out to planning a reply, an internal commentary or a competing task. Nichols and Stevens (1957) discuss directing attention towards the speaker, while Kendon (1967) studied gaze in interaction. Neither provides a universal prescription to make eye contact for 80% of listening and 50% of speaking time. Put away avoidable distractions, allow comfortable gaze and pause before replying. Eye contact and stillness are not tests of whether someone is listening.
Demonstrating understanding
Active listening techniques show the speaker that you comprehend both their words and underlying meaning, which encourages them to share more.
Open-ended questions
Open-ended questions invite elaboration rather than simple yes/no answers. Questions like “How did you feel about that?”, “What did you like most about the experience?”, “What was your reaction when…?”, and “Have you always felt this way?” create space for the speaker to explore their thoughts and feelings.
Preparation improves the quality of conversation. Reviewing previous conversations before meeting, doing background research when appropriate, and preparing thoughtful questions in advance demonstrate genuine interest. During conversation, paying attention to tone and hidden meanings reveals what the speaker may not be saying directly. Monitoring your own emotional reactions prevents them from interfering with understanding. Asking for clarification when unsure and stopping speakers to ensure understanding before encouraging continuation shows that comprehension matters more than simply hearing them out.
Responding with understanding
Nodding and paraphrasing can show attention and help check understanding. They become mechanical if the response ignores what the person meant. Reflect a specific point, ask whether you have it right and leave room for an explanation.
Putting emotions into words can help a person articulate an experience (Torre & Lieberman, 2018). Emotional granularity concerns distinguishing feelings, not reliably reading them from another person (Barrett, Gross, Christensen, & Benvenuto, 2001). “That sounds exciting” or “This seems to have frustrated you” should remain open to correction. “You must be heartbroken” may impose more certainty than you have.
Summarising what you have heard checks understanding and shows engagement. Phrases like “So what I’m hearing is…”, “Let me get this straight… [repeat key point]?”, “Wait, are you telling me that…?”, or “What do you mean by…?” invite correction if you have misunderstood and confirm the speaker has been heard accurately if you are correct.
Responses that interrupt listening
Physical inattention
Repeated interruptions or unrelated replies may indicate that you have missed the speaker’s point. Checking a phone can divide attention; fidgeting or looking away, however, can also help some people listen. Ask what makes the conversation easier rather than judging attention from posture alone. Notice when rehearsing your response makes you miss what comes next.
Unhelpful responses
Certain responses, while often well-intentioned, impede rather than support the speaker. Suggesting you know how they feel assumes similarity where differences may exist. Identifying causes of their problems or telling them what to do shifts the focus from their experience to your analysis. Minimising their concerns invalidates their feelings. Bringing forced positivity or platitudes dismisses the complexity of their situation. Often the best response is simply to listen and appreciate their perspective.
Judgemental responses
Responses like “That’s wrong/bad/irresponsible”, “I would never do that”, “You shouldn’t feel that way”, or “That doesn’t make sense” close down conversation and create defensiveness. Visible disapproval through facial expressions or body language communicates judgement even when words remain neutral.
Leading questions
Questions like “Don’t you think…?” or “Wouldn’t you agree that…?” contain hidden assumptions and prompt specific answers rather than inviting genuine exploration of the speaker’s views.
Questions about events and meaning
Questions can establish what happened or explore what the experience meant to the speaker. Horizontal questions gather facts and practical details, such as when a meeting ended or who attended. Vertical questions explore significance: how the response felt, why a decision mattered or what remained unresolved. Both kinds have a place in understanding an account (Webb with Musello, 2012).
If someone mentions a difficult meeting, asking who was present may clarify the situation. Following with “What was difficult about the response?” gives them room to explain their concern. The next question should follow that answer, rather than a prepared assumption that they must feel rejected or angry.
Begin with an observation, invite an account and allow time for a reply. “You took a breath before answering. What was going through your mind?” leaves the interpretation with the speaker. They may need time to find words or may prefer to leave the conversation there. These are adult conversation practices; Supporting Students Experiencing Emotional Neglect explains the different responsibilities involved in responding to a child’s disclosure.
Attention in meetings and social settings
Preparation can free attention for the conversation. Before a gathering, note who will be there, what you need to discuss and any tasks that would otherwise occupy your thoughts. A small card or brief note may be enough. During a meeting, agree how decisions will be recorded so that listening and note-taking can work together, including accessibility needs (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009).
Listen to the words and delivery while leaving room for different explanations. A tight voice may indicate strain, but it does not reveal the cause. If you lose the thread, return to the last point you understood and ask for clarification. A short pause before replying gives the speaker room to finish; its purpose is attention, not compliance with a fixed number of seconds.
Prepared questions can concern a shared venue, a hobby or a recent book or programme. Ask one and follow the answer before changing topic. If the other person gives little response, allow the exchange to end courteously: “It was good to talk. I am going to say hello to the host.” Sustaining a conversation does not require pressing for personal disclosure (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009).
Observation exercises can help identify what you tend to miss. During a brief workplace walk, notice interactions you would usually pass without attention. When rewatching a film scene, compare the dialogue with the delivery. Then consider more than one interpretation of the same cue. Belongings, posture and acting cannot establish a real person’s private motives, so everyday observations still need checking through conversation.
In an unfamiliar workplace or culture, ask about conventions and listen before applying your own expectations. A colleague can explain which cues shaped their impression of a meeting, giving you an opportunity to compare interpretations (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009).
The same attention principle applies to email, study and planning: avoid competing tasks when they prevent you following the one at hand. Blocks of 25-50 minutes with short pauses are one scheduling option, to be adjusted to the work and the person. These timings are practical arrangements rather than universal limits on attention.
References
Barrett, L. F., Gross, J., Christensen, T. C., & Benvenuto, M. (2001). Knowing what you’re feeling and knowing what to do about it: Mapping the relation between emotion differentiation and emotion regulation. Cognition and Emotion, 15(6), 713-724. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699930143000239
Kendon, A. (1967). Some functions of gaze-direction in social interaction. Acta Psychologica, 26, 22-63. https://doi.org/10.1016/0001-6918(67)90005-4
Nichols, R. G., & Stevens, L. A. (1957). Are you listening? McGraw-Hill.
Torre, J. B., & Lieberman, M. D. (2018). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling as implicit emotion regulation. Emotion Review, 10(2), 116-124. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073917742706
Bradberry, T., & Greaves, J. (2009). Emotional intelligence 2.0. TalentSmart.
Webb, J., with Musello, C. (2012). Running on empty: Overcome your childhood emotional neglect. Morgan James Publishing.