Key ideas
Abstract
- Notice the feeling, the situation and your response before deciding what the experience means.
- Compare your own account with specific feedback. Neither your intentions nor another person’s impression gives the whole picture.
You may first notice irritation as a tight jaw, a hurried reply or the urge to interrupt. Naming it creates an opportunity to examine what happened and choose a response. Self-awareness includes this moment-to-moment attention and the slower task of recognising patterns across situations (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009).
Connected to
Emotions | Emotional Intelligence | Emotional Regulation | Self-Compassion | Childhood Emotional Neglect | Boundaries
Feelings as information
Calling a feeling bad can turn attention towards getting rid of it before you have understood it. Guilt may concern a broken commitment; anger may follow a crossed boundary; anxiety may accompany an uncertain outcome; envy may draw attention to something you want. These are possibilities to investigate. A feeling does not prove that a boundary was crossed or identify the correct action (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009; Webb with Musello, 2012).
A more precise emotional vocabulary can distinguish problems that initially feel similar. “Upset” might mean disappointment about a result, embarrassment about being watched or anger about unfair treatment. Each description gives a different starting point for reflection. Emotion differentiation has been associated with regulation, and experimental work has examined how putting feelings into words affects emotional responses (Barrett et al., 2001; Torre & Lieberman, 2018). Naming is a way to clarify the experience, with no requirement that the feeling disappear. The vocabulary tables are in Emotions.
Triggers and bodily cues
Record the specific event before making a general judgement. “I became tense when the meeting changed without notice” identifies more than “work stresses me out”. Include the person, setting, recent history and your expectations. A trigger need not produce a prolonged reaction, and the same event can affect you differently when tired or already upset.
Notice breathing, heart rate and tension in the jaw, shoulders or stomach. During a quiet two-minute check, scan your body from head to toe with your eyes open or closed, whichever is comfortable. These sensations have several possible causes; a headache or stomach problem should not automatically be attributed to hidden emotion.
Try reviewing an interaction as though watching it from a little distance. Notice what you said, what you were reacting to and what you wanted the other person to understand. In a curfew example, a parent initially recognises anger when a teenager returns late. Reflection reveals fear for the teenager’s safety beneath the sharp response. The parent can then explain the worry as well as discuss the missed curfew, giving the conversation a clearer purpose (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009).
Your response also affects people who witness it. A sharp exchange may leave colleagues tense even when they were not its target. Ask about that effect rather than assuming everyone felt the same thing. Irritation can remain apparent through tone, posture or repeated complaints after the event, even when the words themselves are restrained.
A record of recurring responses
A short journal can record the event, feeling, bodily sensations, interpretation and action. Include pleasant experiences as well as difficult ones. Over time, look for feelings you avoid, situations that drain you and conditions in which you respond more patiently. A written record is still an interpretation, but it is less dependent on remembering everything later.
A self-monitoring exercise can begin in a quiet setting. Turn attention inward, choose the closest emotion word and consider recent events or continuing concerns that might explain it. If attention wanders, gently return to the feeling or a bodily sensation. Visualising a blank screen is one optional way of redirecting attention, with no need to empty the mind before beginning (Webb with Musello, 2012).
An entry can remain tentative: “I think this is disappointment, but I am not sure.” Recording uncertainty is useful because it prevents an early guess from becoming a fixed explanation. Return later and compare the interpretation with what happened next.
Review what preceded a period of exhaustion. Tired eyes, poor appetite, illness, irritability or increasing tension may help you recognise your own pattern of becoming overloaded. Record the surrounding demands as well as the sensations so the observation can lead to a practical response, such as reducing commitments or seeking help.
Notification-free meals or a quiet period during the first 30 minutes after waking can create opportunities to notice how you are doing (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009). These are arrangements to try, rather than biological reset times or a clinical warning scale.
Mood and judgement
An unhappy mood can colour judgements about work or relationships; excitement can make a purchase seem easier to afford. For a non-urgent decision, write down the reasons and revisit them when the mood has shifted. Bradberry and Greaves (2009) recommend this pause for both pleasant and unpleasant moods. Persistent low mood should not be dismissed as something that will inevitably pass if you stop thinking about it.
A change of activity can provide a break from repeatedly considering the same problem. Options include a short walk, stretches, changing rooms, clearing a desk or washing a few dishes. Music, reading, five minutes of writing or a brief conversation may suit a different situation (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009).
Choose according to what is feasible and what you need: movement, a smaller task or contact with another person. Afterwards, notice whether it helped you return to the issue with more attention or whether the problem still needs another response. These activities are practical options, not guaranteed ways to produce a particular brain chemical.
Appearance can offer another prompt. Notice whether you are hunched, clenching your jaw or looking at your phone to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. Adjusting posture may make the interaction easier, but clothing and posture do not reliably reveal someone’s character or mental health. A forced smile is not a substitute for addressing distress.
Values and uncomfortable feedback
Compare recent actions with the values you want to express. Begin with two or three memories of fulfilment and identify what mattered in them. Enjoying work with a colleague might point towards cooperation; satisfaction after completing a difficult task might concern persistence. Use the details of the memory to explain the value instead of choosing a word simply because it sounds admirable (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009).
Disappointment can provide another clue. Anger at cancelled plans may concern reliability, while frustration at having no say in a task may concern autonomy. Treat these as interpretations to check against the event and your other priorities. The next step is a small action consistent with the value, such as explaining why notice of a change matters to you.
Another prompt removes status from the decision: if you had $50 million and nobody could know how you spent your time, what would you choose? Treat the answer as something to explore alongside actual commitments. Preferences, values and practical obligations can differ. Write down a recent action you regret and a feasible alternative that better reflects your priorities (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009).
Defensiveness can appear as dismissing an unfamiliar subject, deciding apologies show weakness, or calling another person too sensitive. Examine the specific criticism before accepting or rejecting it. Discomfort may accompany learning, but can also signal an unreasonable demand. Self-awareness does not require agreeing with mistreatment.
Ask for feedback from people who know you in different settings. “What is one thing I could do to listen better?” invites an example more readily than a debate about whether you are a good listener. Compare patterns across a friend, partner, colleague or mentor. One person’s criticism is not a verdict on your personality. Conversely, good intentions do not cancel the effect of a harsh remark.
Books, films and music
A song you replay or a character who stays with you can provide language for an experience you struggle to describe. Note the scene and your response: grief at separation, relief at unexpected kindness, or pride after a setback. Ask whether the theme resembles something in your life without treating the resemblance as proof of an unconscious conflict.
Talking about a fictional character can make a difficult conversation less direct: “That scene reminded me of how isolated I felt.” A story is a prompt for Communication, not a psychological test (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009).
References
Barrett, L. F., Gross, J., Christensen, T. C., & Benvenuto, M. (2001). Knowing what you’re feeling and knowing what to do about it: Mapping the relation between emotion differentiation and emotion regulation. Cognition and Emotion, 15(6), 713-724. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699930143000239
Bradberry, T., & Greaves, J. (2009). Emotional intelligence 2.0. TalentSmart.
Torre, J. B., & Lieberman, M. D. (2018). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling as implicit emotion regulation. Emotion Review, 10(2), 116-124. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073917742706
Webb, J., with Musello, C. (2012). Running on empty: Overcome your childhood emotional neglect. Morgan James Publishing.